The Oldies Revealed

Who doesn't love kickin' back with some oldies? And by oldies I don't mean late 90's boy bands. It's pretty amazing that these classic songs still get stuck in our heads 50+ years later. But have you really listened to the lyrics before?
I doubt it. A few weeks ago I found an oldies mix CD in my I made years ago and as I was listening pretending to be rocking a sweet poodle skirt at some dinner I came to several conclusions about some classic jams...




Leslie Gore
"It's My Party"


More like a party foul! For starters, we don't know for sure if Leslie Gore and Johnny and even an official couple or to be more appropriate to the topic "going steady". The song says "why is he holding her hand when he's supposed to be mine?" The key phrase is "supposed to be". And who is this Judy? Is she hotter? She must be if Johnny is running off with her at his maybe girlfriend's party. Or maybe she swallows.
I don't think anyone wants to go to a party where the hostess is crying all night. Her friends need to get her a shot of anything pronto and then trash talk that bitch Judy all night!
But the real question is would you cry to if it happened to you?

Yeah, most likely.

The Foundations
"Build Me Up Buttercup"

Buttercup is a bitch! She doesn't call him back and she stands him up. He is waiting by the phone for this buttercup! This is pre cell phone so it's not like he can go do something else while he waits for this chick. Come on, that is romance! He sounds like one of those guys who goes after mean girls to make himself feel bad on purpose aka a guy you need to NOT date.
But what makes this "buttercup" so damn special? She must be super hot. Or maybe she let's him stick in her pooper.
I bet Judy is her friend.

Bobby Day
"Rockin' Robin"

For starters this song is pretty annoying yet still remains a classic. It sounds like this robin needs to head to an AA meeting ASAP! He needs to tone it down before the those birds on Jay Bird Street stage an intervention. I bet those other birds really hate the rockin' robin and hope the neighborhood feral cat lays the nom down on his ass. How do we really now that the birds on Jay Bird Street love to hear that freaking robin go "tweet, tweet, tweet"? I bet if those birds had money and thumbs they would be buying stock in ear plugs. Or they would just kill him.

Chubby Checker
"Let's Twist Again"

I love this song! I am in full support of bringing these sweet moves back.
But what I want to know is did everyone stop twisting?
If history and Mad Men* are telling the truth I thought the early 60's were just one martini drinking, cigarette smoking, twisting good time?
The song says "let's twist again like we did last summer, let's twist again like we did last year". So is the twist only a summer activity? It looks too fun to limit to just one season.

*I totally have the Mad Men soundtrack and don't doubt for a minute that I don't blast this shit.

Because I do.

Journey to McDonaldland

Lately, my boyfriend and I have been discussing/joking/wanting to be like the classic McDonald's characters. There is no logical reason behind our greasy- food- marketing character discussions. It is most likely because I found my Grimace shirt a few weeks. Or is it because I am just insane enough to own a Grimace shirt? Yes and Yes!
Anyway, these characters are simply awesome and filled with nostalgia for almost everyone who has enjoyed a Happy Meal in the last 40 years. As an adult I still enjoy the occasional Happy Meal but usually only if I am not sober and it's anytime between midnight-3 a.m. Why 3 a.m? Because you can get a freakin' Egg McMuffin then!

These characters are perhaps some of the best children's marketing ever embedded into our sweet little brains. Who doesn't love a cheeseburger mayor, a weird purple shape, a creepy clown, cute little chicken nuggets? An evil bastard that's who!
Ronald McDonald has the subject of nightmares for years but his McDonaldland cohorts are a little less threatening. For the most part.

Mayor McCheese

The esteemed Mayor of McDonal land. Who wouldn't vote for him? I know I would. Although there is a possibility that he might have been an evil beef head dictator. I look forward to his autobiography.



Fry Kids















They look like something that should be cleaning your car instead of fries. Probably my least favorite character. If French Fries actually tasted the way these things looked, America would the be least fattest country.

Grimace

First let's start our decision of Grimace off with WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?! Does anyone know what he is? Actually, I do. He is a taste bud that represents milkshakes. Because my taste buds are purple. My taste buds do like milkshakes so I guess Mickey D's was on the something. Grimace has a sordid history. He began his life as an evil food stealer and somewhere along the way executives decided to make him a lovable purple blob. That's right kids, Grimace was a meanie.
Observe this poor quality vintage commercial.


Like he wasn't creepy enough.

Hamburglar

Clearly, the most badass of all the McDonaldland characters.He steals burgers from kids.What's not to love? And his outfit is ready-made for prison. I wonder how many stupid kids actually stole hamburgers because Hamburglar does? I am sure many did. I look forward to their parents suing McDonald's for it.
Idiots.

Birdie

Because a giant bird is somehow related to fast food? Unless it is McDonald's not so subtle way of letting us know what's really in those Big Macs. According to the McDonaldland Wiki page, a giant egg fell from the sky into McDonaldland and Ronald grew to love the egg and thus loved Birdie when she hatched. So she is a fast food-loving-Big-Bird-Rip off alien? Sounds about right.

The Chicken McNuggets

They happen to be favorite because I actually remember when they first appeared. What I wouldn't do to have my Chicken McNugget toys (see picture) back.

Clearly, the least creepy of the McDonalds characters.

We are not even going to discuss Ronald McDonald. His rape van is parked outside your house right now and he is listening to you shower while he makes you a Roofie McFlurry.
Seriously, he is scary.

Vivien and Emily vs Paulette and Cory

I know I haven't posted in a while so here goes!! This one's a doozie!
I have been planning this blog for a some time now and I think it's finally time it happened.
If you know anything about Hollywood history and the casting of Gone with the Wind then you already know the direction this is going.
For starters, my boyfriend Cory and I get along great. We have lots in common and agree on most things. One thing we have in common is a love for Classic Hollywood. The one thing that we disagree on the most when it comes to movies is the casting of Scarlett O'Hara.
This is not something that is a great barrier or anything that results in a knock down drag out fight. It's just something fun to joke about and somehow we manage to bring it up everyday. It's gotten to the point now where it's always something I can count on.
I am pro-Vivien Leigh and he is on team Paulette Goddard, who was almost cast as the infamous Southern Belle. Paulette Goddard was signed with David Selznick at the time but he did not cast her because she couldn't prove that she was legally married to Charlie Chaplin. At the time our buddy Vivien Leigh was legally married to her first husband but was "living in sin" as they say with Laurence Olivier. I really don't see the difference in those situations but it was 1939 and people cared about things like that then. Nowadays you could marry a chicken on the internet, have a Cheeto as your maid of honor (or best man) and video tape your wedding night and no one would bat an eye.
I love Paulette Goddard. I think she is adorable and I love her in the movie The Ghostbreakers with Bob Hope. But she is was not the right choice for the part of Scarlett.

She could have played Scarlett if Rhett had needed a zany sidekick. Having coached some acting pieces before I can tell that Paulette Goddard is a good actress by watching her screen test. Just because you are a good actress doesn't mean you can't play every part that comes your way. If you act, the sooner you know this the better off you will be :).
Obviously, Vivien Leigh was cast accordingly. NOTE TO CORY: There was no casting couch involved regardless of what you think, my dear!

Here are the screen tests from GWTW. I am kinda obsessed with this video. I think it's hilarious and interesting to see all the different acting choices. It's a little painful in some parts (poor Lana Turner and Tallulah Bankhead. Really what the fuck were they thinking.) I would hate to think that my massive acting fail is immortalized on celluloid for ever.

Anyway, enjoy and remember that tomorrow is another day!

I has a hot dog?

This week I lost my beloved dog of 15 years, Bingo Anne. She had cancer and we had to put her down. It has been really hard but I know we did the right thing for her. She had such a great life and lived a very, very, very long time for a big dog. We are not really sure what kind of dog she was. We know she is some kind of husky mix. Perhaps a little bit of a wolf. She was just a good ol' outside dog who killed and ate all kinds of small backyard animals including our neighbor's pet yellow cockatoo and a cat until she discovered air conditioning. Our trusty outside guard dog was then a spoiled rotten house dog. We referred to her as "The Bitch" because she was the top dog (the other dogs we had including Fudge knew it too). Some people found her a little scary because she looked so much like a wolf and had some wild animal like characteristics. I was never scared of her because she was just a big baby (who could cut a bitch! lol). She was the best dog ever! I will miss her everyday.




I have been looking at the website http://ihasahotdog.com/ this week and it has helped me so much in dealing with the loss of Bingo. Seeing the funny captions of other dogs (and a few of Bingo that I made) has made me feel so much better. They are so funny and the captions that people put on the pictures perfectly capture the spirit of the dogs or googies as they are called on the site.
Here are some that I made....




Here are some of my favorites from the site....

Emily loves ice cream

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS A TASTY PICTURE OF ICE CREAM. READ AND EAT AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.
Ice cream is never a bad thing. I am a huge life-long ice cream addict. I eat it at least twice a week during the summer (usually from my freezer but occasionally I will go out). Since we are in dog days of summer and I live in Kentucky which has to be one of the most humid places on the planet ice cream has been even better the past few weeks.
I love all kinds, flavors, and brands of ice cream. I tend to gravitate towards the chocolate flavors. Last week my boyfriend Cory and I decided to take a trip to our local Coldstone Creamery. I went there last month and gave myself a total sugar buzz and stomach ache on some custom peanut butter chocolate creation which included Reese Cups and pie crust. It was amazing. Needless to say, the next day I added a few extra minutes on to my cardio. Last week we decided to go after my sweet tooth started nagging me. Cory is not a big sweet eater so he was not as happy as I was to walk in and smell the fresh waffle cones. Usually I make up my own creation. After much debate and a few taste test fails I finally decided on their creation of Birthcake Remix. This included cake batter ice cream, a whole brownie, rainbow sprinkles (my personal favorite) and chocolate syrup. It was delicious. And those ice cream cupcakes look like heaven! Of course you can not buy just one. You have to buy six! Note: This will not stop me from buying them someday.

About 10 minutes after eating it I wanted to toss my cookies and then some. When I got back to my apartment I licked some salt off my hand in tequila shot-style fashion to counteract the sweetness. Classy, I know. I then thought "do you really need all this extra crap to make ice cream taste better?" The answer is no. Sometimes it sure does help. I think I can do a few months without a visit to the Coldstone. Will I go back? You bet your ass I will!

Not for the faint of heart

This is something that recently heard about and I think it deserves a blog. This is not a joke and it's a good thing that I went ahead and posted an adult content warning on my blog just in case I offend anyone (which I often do). There is now a Twilight dildo. What is that you say?? Yes, you sexually repressed Edward lovin' freaks there is a Twilight dildo available on the market. Don't you just love capitalism? Really, WTF?!?!?
This dildo sparkles and is designed to be kept in the refrigerator so the user has an accurate experience. Whenever I feel something cold down there all I can think about is that dreaded Ky Jelly-filled yearly trip to the gyno. Plus how do we know that Edward's dick sparkles? Whoever purchases this seriously needs a psych evaluation. Edward Cullen is a fictional character and he will never love you. The sooner these crazed women figure that out the better off society as a whole will be. I have seen the first Twilight movie and Edward is one creepy bloodsucker. I don't think that watching someone while they sleep qualifies as romantic. Edward, just man up and drain Bella already! You know you want to! Listen to that killer instinct, Cullen and nom nom on that pasty bitch until dawn.
SPOILER ALERT! With that being said, if the producers and directors of the fourth Twilight movie actually show violent, gore filled vampire childbirth I think that's worth going to a matinee and using my student discount for. Plus that scene will take the family friendly aspects of the franchise down several notches.

Like these Cullen hounds, I do find Eric and Bill of "True Blood" very sexually appealing, I understand they are fiction. But is Edward really a vampire? Don't think so. The difference between myself, other rational thinking vampire fans, and these horny housewives and teenage girls is that we understand that vampires are not fucking real!! The closest to real vampires we are every going to get are The Kentucky Vampire Clan (bloodsuckers on death row are not so sexy, are they ladies?) and Vampire Don who I totally invite to Thanksgiving. Really, I would.

So, ladies get a grip (and a room temperature sex toy) and please enjoy vampires responsibly.