Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Oldies Revealed


Who doesn't love kickin' back with some oldies? And by oldies I don't mean late 90's boy bands. It's pretty amazing that these classic songs still get stuck in our heads 50+ years later. But have you really listened to the lyrics before?
I doubt it. A few weeks ago I found an oldies mix CD in my I made years ago and as I was listening pretending to be rocking a sweet poodle skirt at some dinner I came to several conclusions about some classic jams...




Leslie Gore
"It's My Party"


More like a party foul! For starters, we don't know for sure if Leslie Gore and Johnny and even an official couple or to be more appropriate to the topic "going steady". The song says "why is he holding her hand when he's supposed to be mine?" The key phrase is "supposed to be". And who is this Judy? Is she hotter? She must be if Johnny is running off with her at his maybe girlfriend's party. Or maybe she swallows.
I don't think anyone wants to go to a party where the hostess is crying all night. Her friends need to get her a shot of anything pronto and then trash talk that bitch Judy all night!
But the real question is would you cry to if it happened to you?
Yeah, most likely.

The Foundations
"Build Me Up Buttercup"

Buttercup is a bitch! She doesn't call him back and she stands him up. He is waiting by the phone for this buttercup! This is pre cell phone so it's not like he can go do something else while he waits for this chick. Come on, that is romance! He sounds like one of those guys who goes after mean girls to make himself feel bad on purpose aka a guy you need to NOT date.
But what makes this "buttercup" so damn special? She must be super hot. Or maybe she let's him stick in her pooper.
I bet Judy is her friend.

Bobby Day
"Rockin' Robin"

For starters this song is pretty annoying yet still remains a classic. It sounds like this robin needs to head to an AA meeting ASAP! He needs to tone it down before the those birds on Jay Bird Street stage an intervention. I bet those other birds really hate the rockin' robin and hope the neighborhood feral cat lays the nom down on his ass. How do we really now that the birds on Jay Bird Street love to hear that freaking robin go "tweet, tweet, tweet"? I bet if those birds had money and thumbs they would be buying stock in ear plugs. Or they would just kill him.

Chubby Checker
"Let's Twist Again"

I love this song! I am in full support of bringing these sweet moves back.
But what I want to know is did everyone stop twisting?
If history and Mad Men* are telling the truth I thought the early 60's were just one martini drinking, cigarette smoking, twisting good time?
The song says "let's twist again like we did last summer, let's twist again like we did last year". So is the twist only a summer activity? It looks too fun to limit to just one season.

*I totally have the Mad Men soundtrack and don't doubt for a minute that I don't blast this shit.

Because I do.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Journey to McDonaldland

Lately, my boyfriend and I have been discussing/joking/wanting to be like the classic McDonald's characters. There is no logical reason behind our greasy- food- marketing character discussions. It is most likely because I found my Grimace shirt a few weeks. Or is it because I am just insane enough to own a Grimace shirt? Yes and Yes!
Anyway, these characters are simply awesome and filled with nostalgia for almost everyone who has enjoyed a Happy Meal in the last 40 years. As an adult I still enjoy the occasional Happy Meal but usually only if I am not sober and it's anytime between midnight-3 a.m. Why 3 a.m? Because you can get a freakin' Egg McMuffin then!

These characters are perhaps some of the best children's marketing ever embedded into our sweet little brains. Who doesn't love a cheeseburger mayor, a weird purple shape, a creepy clown, cute little chicken nuggets? An evil bastard that's who!
Ronald McDonald has the subject of nightmares for years but his McDonaldland cohorts are a little less threatening. For the most part.

Mayor McCheese

The esteemed Mayor of McDonal land. Who wouldn't vote for him? I know I would. Although there is a possibility that he might have been an evil beef head dictator. I look forward to his autobiography.



Fry Kids















They look like something that should be cleaning your car instead of fries. Probably my least favorite character. If French Fries actually tasted the way these things looked, America would the be least fattest country.

Grimace
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First let's start our decision of Grimace off with WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?! Does anyone know what he is? Actually, I do. He is a taste bud that represents milkshakes. Because my taste buds are purple. My taste buds do like milkshakes so I guess Mickey D's was on the something. Grimace has a sordid history. He began his life as an evil food stealer and somewhere along the way executives decided to make him a lovable purple blob. That's right kids, Grimace was a meanie.
Observe this poor quality vintage commercial.


Like he wasn't creepy enough.

Hamburglar
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Clearly, the most badass of all the McDonaldland characters.He steals burgers from kids.What's not to love? And his outfit is ready-made for prison. I wonder how many stupid kids actually stole hamburgers because Hamburglar does? I am sure many did. I look forward to their parents suing McDonald's for it.
Idiots.

Birdie
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Because a giant bird is somehow related to fast food? Unless it is McDonald's not so subtle way of letting us know what's really in those Big Macs. According to the McDonaldland Wiki page, a giant egg fell from the sky into McDonaldland and Ronald grew to love the egg and thus loved Birdie when she hatched. So she is a fast food-loving-Big-Bird-Rip off alien? Sounds about right.

The Chicken McNuggets
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They happen to be favorite because I actually remember when they first appeared. What I wouldn't do to have my Chicken McNugget toys (see picture) back.

Clearly, the least creepy of the McDonalds characters.

We are not even going to discuss Ronald McDonald. His rape van is parked outside your house right now and he is listening to you shower while he makes you a Roofie McFlurry.
Seriously, he is scary.




Sunday, January 2, 2011

Catfights, Fur Coats, Shoulder Pads, Big Hair, and Oil....either it's a sale at Goodwill or "Dynasty"

In 2003, all the teenage douches were having Laguna Beach and The O.C. viewing parties while comparing Ugg's. The poor guys who were drafted into this hell pretended to either enjoy those awful shows in an attempt to get a little over the Abercrombie sweater action or pretend they weren't gay while they re-dressed Lauren Conrad in their minds.
Unlike those kids, I have a appreciation for syndicated dramas of the past and instead I was being fabulous (although I had not concept of what that term meant) and was watching awesomely trashy 1980s night time soap Dynasty.
The show chronicles the exploits of the Denver oil tycoon Blake Carrington (John Forsythe), his wife Krystle (Linda Evans), Blake's manipulative ex-wife and business rival Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan (Joan Collins), their children, their sex lives, and their business ups and downs. Viewers tuned in weekly from 1981-1989 to watch these crazy people rock some HUGE hair, wear mink, drive Rolls-Royces, call each other bitches, and practically drown in shoulder pads. Dynasty was the perfect example of the excess and glam of the 1980s aka Regan-nomics. I don't think Barack would approve.


While Dynasty is famous for it's drill, baby, drill story lines and tacky clothes, it was even more known for the catfights between it's female characters. From what I have been told (I was a year old when this show went off the air) this was the first time that women were really allowed to express psychical violence on television. Now just walk into any bar that plays "The Electric Slide" at least twice a night and you will see plenty of girl on girl violence. The cat fights were completley ridiculous which makes them even more lovable in my book.
Here are some classic examples....


My favorite!

This moment which is now known as The Moldavian Massacre is in my opinion one of the most insane moments in television history. Let me sum it up for you. Amanda Carrington is going to marry Prince Michael of Moldavia. Terrorist attack. Fictional rich people die. Just watch.

I love this show for it's over dramatic antics and it's awesome trashiness. Not to mention Joan Collins who was the best part of the show.

(Note: This is what fabulous looks like)

If you are a gay man or a weirdo like me then reading this blog was completely pointless. You already knew all this information. Now get back to your porn.

*I changed the name of my blog. I was driving home from the grocery store today and I was thinking about a new post and the fact that someone like me could come up with a better name than Emily's Playhouse. So why Red Hot Applesauce?
I recently started reading www.urbandictionary.com and I discovered that in urban lingo the word sauce implies adding flair to a conversation. Since I am a pretty saucy gal and a redhead I thought it fit well.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Tennessee Williams-Making the South Dirtier Since 1938

My semester is almost over (praise be to Lord Xenu) and despite having some painfully boring and just plain awful assignments I did have one that I actually didn't mind...writing a paper about my one of my favorite playwrights Tennessee Williams for my TA 471 class which is The History of Theatre from 1950-present. I have always been a huge fan of Williams' works (I love that trashy Southern stuff). Unfortunately, I have never been in a Tennessee Williams play despite constantly begging my theatre teacher at Somerset Community College for years. Last week I did perform a Maggie monologue from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof for my final performance in my acting class. I was actually successful considering I really can't do drama.Could they have picked any hotter people than this? Don't think so.


One of America’s most beloved playwrights, Tennessee Williams is best known for his disturbing and paradoxical interpretation of the American South. Williams helped bring harsh realism to the stage of world theatre and succeeded in creating some of the most adored and critically acclaimed plays in theatre history. His plays also introduced some of the most memorable and tragic characters ever performed onstage. Not only did Tennessee Williams bring contentious issues to the forefront of theatre, he gave the rest of the world a deeper insight into the American South which before had been looked upon with shame and regret due to its sordid history. The film versions of his plays A Streetcar Named Desire and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof are both considered milestone achieves in American cinema and revolutionary in the struggle with film censorship. Williams is also responsible for his enhancement and contributions to the sub-genre of Southern Gothic literature (my favorite genre). Williams is also known for the autobiographical influence on his works. According to Williams’ close friend and famed theatrical and film director Elia Kazan "Everything in his life is in his plays, and everything in his plays is in his life." It takes a lot of balls to write about your own life and admit it so one up, Tennessee! His life was pretty tragic. His father was an alcoholic and his mother and sister suffered from mental illness. Like his parents, Williams’ would later suffer from mental illness, alcohol and barbiturate addiction, and some issues with gambling. He later admitted to have written some of his plays while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. This makes me want to watch Streetcar drunk now. Before he was a successful playwright Williams' wrote screenplays for MGM. He submitted The Glass Menagerie to MGM in 1943 and it was rejected (a FAIL which later turned into a huge WIN). Williams' less popular works are overshadowed by his three big plays Streetcar, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and The Glass Menagerie. I have read a little of his lesser-known works and they are good but do not live up to his more popular works. One of my favorite Tennessee Williams work is the 1956 film Baby Doll based on his play Twenty-Seven Wagons Full of Cotton. The film was also directed by Elia Kazan. The film tells the scandalous story of a nineteen year-old girl named Baby Doll and her middle-aged cotton farmer husband, Archie. The couple has yet to consummate their marriage due to the fact that Baby Doll promised her now deceased father that she would remain a virgin until her twentieth birthday which happens to be two days away from the start of the film. The title character sleeps in a crib-like bed separate from her husband who peeps at her through a small hole in the walls between their separate rooms. The forbidden issues of the films including sexual repression, voyeurism, and juvenile seduction shocked both audiences. The Legion rated the film a “C” or condemned and many theatres were required by the Legion of Decency film censorship committee to cancel showings of the film. Time Magazine noted the film as being “Just possibly the dirtiest American-made motion picture that has ever been legally exhibited". It's one of those movies that after you watch it you need to take a shower. It's still creepy as hell today.

The film Baby Doll was not the first time that the Tennessee Williams/ Elia Kazan team had trouble with the Hollywood censorship laws of the day. In 1951, the graphic subject matter of A Streetcar Named Desire was so shocking to many in the Hollywood community that it almost was never produced, which was mainly because studio heads feared a film that controversial would be a box-office failure. Karl Malden, Kim Hunter, Marlon Brando, and Jessica Tandy starred in the Broadway production which opened in 1947. Warner Brothers agreed to make the movie as long as they had a star to carry the film. Enter Vivien Leigh. Exit Jessica Tandy (who was pissed!) Get over it Tandy, you lived to be at least 1,000. If you Google Jessica Tandy the phrase "Is Jessica Tandy still alive" shows up. I swear.

SHE MAD!!


Tennessee Williams’ agreed to re-write his play to accommodate the censorship issues. This was mandatory to get the film produced but many audience members, critics, and several of the actors in the film complained that the screenplay was too difficult to understand due to the cut and re-imagined scenes (Agreed!). While this film was important to the fight against censorship in film, it was also the first film to popularize the use of Method Acting (which is COMPLETE BULLSHIT) and launched Marlon Brando’s career. The Method technique was used by Brando, Kim Hunter and Karl Malden. While Vivien Leigh was from the old school show-up-and-do-your-fucking-lines school of acting (as am I). Despite the backlash of the film, A Streetcar Named Desire is a classic film that showcases some of the finest acting ever put on film and is considered one of the greatest play adaptations ever.

The Brady Bunch Williams style.



Williams’ often focused on was homosexuality. At the time his work was published and being performed, the mention of homosexuality in American theatre was almost unheard of. As a homosexual male and a writer, Williams’ felt that it was his assumed responsibility to create positive images of homosexuals for the theatre-going public. Williams’ has created some of the great male roles of the twentieth-century but it is his female characters that have generated the most attention and caused much of the controversy with his work. . Williams’ relationships with the women in his life mainly his sister, Rose and his Aunt Belle who was the inspiration for Blanche DuBois proved to be vital to his writing. Early on in his career, Williams’ was criticized for the female characters he created. Many theatre critics felt that they were idealistic and according to Williams’ in a 1975 interview “All my relationships with women are very, very important to me. The most stupid thing said about my writing is that my heroines are disguised transvestites. Absolutely and totally none of them are anything but women”. (A Blanche drag queen? I think so!)

That being said, many thought that Williams’ supposed incapacity to write women was based on his homosexuality. Williams’ was extremely open about the fact that he based almost all of his plays on his own life. He is quoted as saying "It's true my heroines often speak for me”. Audiences and critics alike were concerned that he was writing his plays to target a specific audience. In this case being the gay community. This proved false when his plays became international Pulitzer Prize winning successes. No one was more aware of this than Williams’ himself who said “I do not have a faggot, a homosexual, or a gay, audience. I write for an audience”. You tell 'em!




Tennessee Williams will forever be remembered for his unleashing his daring and provocative work on the world when it was needed the most. When Tennessee Williams died on February 25, 1983 at age 71 in New York City by mistakenly swallowing a bottle cap, the world lost one of its greatest inhabitants. His work is still being read in English classes and performed in acting classes and stages all over the world. By simply reading his work one can tell that Williams was extremely passionate about his writing and truly loved his occupation. Known for his sinister stories, when Williams’ memoirs were published he originally wanted to entitle the book “Flee, Flee This Sad Hotel.” Instead he changed is mind when he realized “my life is as much a merry tavern as a sad hotel. My God, I've gotten a lot of laughs out of life”

Monday, November 22, 2010

Big Bone Lick State Park...the gift that keeps on giving

If you have ever driven through the Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati area you have most likely laughed at the sign for Big Bone Lick State Park and who can blame you? It has to be funniest double entendre interstate sign in the entire USA.

Not only do the locals make fun of this landmark, I have also seen it mocked online too. My teacher brought it up in class today and I was one of my only people who got the joke (I am just fun like that). It's an interesting place and vital to some geological discoveries (it's pretty much like the East Coast version of the La Brea Tar Pits). Not to mention t-shirt worthy.
Here is a little bit about Big Bone Lick from the Kentucky Parks website:

"Recreated grasslands, wetlands and wooded savannas lie along the trail leading to a "bog" diorama. Shown going into or struggling inside the marsh bog are a woolly mammoth, a mastodon, a giant sloth, bison, various skeletal remains, and scavengers feeding on the carcasses. Visitors approach the diorama on a boardwalk that rises above the floor of the marsh, enabling them to "look history in the eye." An amphitheater upslope from the diorama can be used as an outdoor classroom. The diorama and the Discovery Trail are sited to provide the physically challenged visitors with the opportunity to experience the varied grassland, wetland and savanna environments and the bog diorama."






It is a coincidence that Big Bone Lick State Park is located at 3380 Beaver Rd?
I hope not!