Thursday, July 8, 2010

Not for the faint of heart

This is something that recently heard about and I think it deserves a blog. This is not a joke and it's a good thing that I went ahead and posted an adult content warning on my blog just in case I offend anyone (which I often do). There is now a Twilight dildo. What is that you say?? Yes, you sexually repressed Edward lovin' freaks there is a Twilight dildo available on the market. Don't you just love capitalism? Really, WTF?!?!?
This dildo sparkles and is designed to be kept in the refrigerator so the user has an accurate experience. Whenever I feel something cold down there all I can think about is that dreaded Ky Jelly-filled yearly trip to the gyno. Plus how do we know that Edward's dick sparkles? Whoever purchases this seriously needs a psych evaluation. Edward Cullen is a fictional character and he will never love you. The sooner these crazed women figure that out the better off society as a whole will be. I have seen the first Twilight movie and Edward is one creepy bloodsucker. I don't think that watching someone while they sleep qualifies as romantic. Edward, just man up and drain Bella already! You know you want to! Listen to that killer instinct, Cullen and nom nom on that pasty bitch until dawn.
SPOILER ALERT! With that being said, if the producers and directors of the fourth Twilight movie actually show violent, gore filled vampire childbirth I think that's worth going to a matinee and using my student discount for. Plus that scene will take the family friendly aspects of the franchise down several notches.

Like these Cullen hounds, I do find Eric and Bill of "True Blood" very sexually appealing, I understand they are fiction. But is Edward really a vampire? Don't think so. The difference between myself, other rational thinking vampire fans, and these horny housewives and teenage girls is that we understand that vampires are not fucking real!! The closest to real vampires we are every going to get are The Kentucky Vampire Clan (bloodsuckers on death row are not so sexy, are they ladies?) and Vampire Don who I totally invite to Thanksgiving. Really, I would.

So, ladies get a grip (and a room temperature sex toy) and please enjoy vampires responsibly.

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