Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Oldies Revealed

Who doesn't love kickin' back with some oldies? And by oldies I don't mean late 90's boy bands. It's pretty amazing that these classic songs still get stuck in our heads 50+ years later. But have you really listened to the lyrics before?
I doubt it. A few weeks ago I found an oldies mix CD in my I made years ago and as I was listening pretending to be rocking a sweet poodle skirt at some dinner I came to several conclusions about some classic jams...

Leslie Gore
"It's My Party"

More like a party foul! For starters, we don't know for sure if Leslie Gore and Johnny and even an official couple or to be more appropriate to the topic "going steady". The song says "why is he holding her hand when he's supposed to be mine?" The key phrase is "supposed to be". And who is this Judy? Is she hotter? She must be if Johnny is running off with her at his maybe girlfriend's party. Or maybe she swallows.
I don't think anyone wants to go to a party where the hostess is crying all night. Her friends need to get her a shot of anything pronto and then trash talk that bitch Judy all night!
But the real question is would you cry to if it happened to you?
Yeah, most likely.

The Foundations
"Build Me Up Buttercup"

Buttercup is a bitch! She doesn't call him back and she stands him up. He is waiting by the phone for this buttercup! This is pre cell phone so it's not like he can go do something else while he waits for this chick. Come on, that is romance! He sounds like one of those guys who goes after mean girls to make himself feel bad on purpose aka a guy you need to NOT date.
But what makes this "buttercup" so damn special? She must be super hot. Or maybe she let's him stick in her pooper.
I bet Judy is her friend.

Bobby Day
"Rockin' Robin"

For starters this song is pretty annoying yet still remains a classic. It sounds like this robin needs to head to an AA meeting ASAP! He needs to tone it down before the those birds on Jay Bird Street stage an intervention. I bet those other birds really hate the rockin' robin and hope the neighborhood feral cat lays the nom down on his ass. How do we really now that the birds on Jay Bird Street love to hear that freaking robin go "tweet, tweet, tweet"? I bet if those birds had money and thumbs they would be buying stock in ear plugs. Or they would just kill him.

Chubby Checker
"Let's Twist Again"

I love this song! I am in full support of bringing these sweet moves back.
But what I want to know is did everyone stop twisting?
If history and Mad Men* are telling the truth I thought the early 60's were just one martini drinking, cigarette smoking, twisting good time?
The song says "let's twist again like we did last summer, let's twist again like we did last year". So is the twist only a summer activity? It looks too fun to limit to just one season.

*I totally have the Mad Men soundtrack and don't doubt for a minute that I don't blast this shit.

Because I do.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Journey to McDonaldland

Lately, my boyfriend and I have been discussing/joking/wanting to be like the classic McDonald's characters. There is no logical reason behind our greasy- food- marketing character discussions. It is most likely because I found my Grimace shirt a few weeks. Or is it because I am just insane enough to own a Grimace shirt? Yes and Yes!
Anyway, these characters are simply awesome and filled with nostalgia for almost everyone who has enjoyed a Happy Meal in the last 40 years. As an adult I still enjoy the occasional Happy Meal but usually only if I am not sober and it's anytime between midnight-3 a.m. Why 3 a.m? Because you can get a freakin' Egg McMuffin then!

These characters are perhaps some of the best children's marketing ever embedded into our sweet little brains. Who doesn't love a cheeseburger mayor, a weird purple shape, a creepy clown, cute little chicken nuggets? An evil bastard that's who!
Ronald McDonald has the subject of nightmares for years but his McDonaldland cohorts are a little less threatening. For the most part.

Mayor McCheese

The esteemed Mayor of McDonal land. Who wouldn't vote for him? I know I would. Although there is a possibility that he might have been an evil beef head dictator. I look forward to his autobiography.

Fry Kids

They look like something that should be cleaning your car instead of fries. Probably my least favorite character. If French Fries actually tasted the way these things looked, America would the be least fattest country.

First let's start our decision of Grimace off with WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?! Does anyone know what he is? Actually, I do. He is a taste bud that represents milkshakes. Because my taste buds are purple. My taste buds do like milkshakes so I guess Mickey D's was on the something. Grimace has a sordid history. He began his life as an evil food stealer and somewhere along the way executives decided to make him a lovable purple blob. That's right kids, Grimace was a meanie.
Observe this poor quality vintage commercial.

Like he wasn't creepy enough.

Clearly, the most badass of all the McDonaldland characters.He steals burgers from kids.What's not to love? And his outfit is ready-made for prison. I wonder how many stupid kids actually stole hamburgers because Hamburglar does? I am sure many did. I look forward to their parents suing McDonald's for it.

Because a giant bird is somehow related to fast food? Unless it is McDonald's not so subtle way of letting us know what's really in those Big Macs. According to the McDonaldland Wiki page, a giant egg fell from the sky into McDonaldland and Ronald grew to love the egg and thus loved Birdie when she hatched. So she is a fast food-loving-Big-Bird-Rip off alien? Sounds about right.

The Chicken McNuggets
They happen to be favorite because I actually remember when they first appeared. What I wouldn't do to have my Chicken McNugget toys (see picture) back.

Clearly, the least creepy of the McDonalds characters.

We are not even going to discuss Ronald McDonald. His rape van is parked outside your house right now and he is listening to you shower while he makes you a Roofie McFlurry.
Seriously, he is scary.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Catfights, Fur Coats, Shoulder Pads, Big Hair, and Oil....either it's a sale at Goodwill or "Dynasty"

In 2003, all the teenage douches were having Laguna Beach and The O.C. viewing parties while comparing Ugg's. The poor guys who were drafted into this hell pretended to either enjoy those awful shows in an attempt to get a little over the Abercrombie sweater action or pretend they weren't gay while they re-dressed Lauren Conrad in their minds.
Unlike those kids, I have a appreciation for syndicated dramas of the past and instead I was being fabulous (although I had not concept of what that term meant) and was watching awesomely trashy 1980s night time soap Dynasty.
The show chronicles the exploits of the Denver oil tycoon Blake Carrington (John Forsythe), his wife Krystle (Linda Evans), Blake's manipulative ex-wife and business rival Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan (Joan Collins), their children, their sex lives, and their business ups and downs. Viewers tuned in weekly from 1981-1989 to watch these crazy people rock some HUGE hair, wear mink, drive Rolls-Royces, call each other bitches, and practically drown in shoulder pads. Dynasty was the perfect example of the excess and glam of the 1980s aka Regan-nomics. I don't think Barack would approve.

While Dynasty is famous for it's drill, baby, drill story lines and tacky clothes, it was even more known for the catfights between it's female characters. From what I have been told (I was a year old when this show went off the air) this was the first time that women were really allowed to express psychical violence on television. Now just walk into any bar that plays "The Electric Slide" at least twice a night and you will see plenty of girl on girl violence. The cat fights were completley ridiculous which makes them even more lovable in my book.
Here are some classic examples....

My favorite!

This moment which is now known as The Moldavian Massacre is in my opinion one of the most insane moments in television history. Let me sum it up for you. Amanda Carrington is going to marry Prince Michael of Moldavia. Terrorist attack. Fictional rich people die. Just watch.

I love this show for it's over dramatic antics and it's awesome trashiness. Not to mention Joan Collins who was the best part of the show.

(Note: This is what fabulous looks like)

If you are a gay man or a weirdo like me then reading this blog was completely pointless. You already knew all this information. Now get back to your porn.

*I changed the name of my blog. I was driving home from the grocery store today and I was thinking about a new post and the fact that someone like me could come up with a better name than Emily's Playhouse. So why Red Hot Applesauce?
I recently started reading and I discovered that in urban lingo the word sauce implies adding flair to a conversation. Since I am a pretty saucy gal and a redhead I thought it fit well.