I hate to sound like someone's stuck up grandmother but with the exception of a few things I am not a fan of the majority of the current fashions today. Before all the fashionistas close the tab on this entry, I don't hate them all. I like fashion, cute clothes, and I like when other people tell me my clothes are cute. Let me explain....
For those who aren't a stick figure it's difficult to pull of skinny jeans and baby doll shirts (or something similar to those)which is all I seem to ever really find when I attempt to go shopping. If you can rock those then more power to you sister! You are fabulous and have hundreds of girls jealous of you! Well done!
For those of us who end up looking like a pregnant puffy Cheeto when wearing those items of clothing, shopping is more like the first 30 minutes of Saving Private Ryan than a nice stroll through the mall. By that I mean you have to fight to find the clothes you can pull off. I would describe myself as a chubby hourglass with former middle school cheerleader thighs which quite frankly sucks like an algae eater in a dirty fish tank. Seriously I could have the flu, a stomach virus, be on Dexatrim, not eat for a month, continue to work out 405 and never loose a pound. So I pretty much begrudgingly learned to accept this fact, wear Spanx and make up for my shortcomings in the body department with witty repartee. Moving on...
Recently I discovered that the majority of my pants had holes in them and since I have about a shot glass-sized amount of decency and shame left and vagina thermals are not exactly a practical option I decided it was time for some new pants. I went to a few places and was bombarded with skinny jean after skinny jean after skinny jean. I did end up buying two pairs one of which is only for work (I have to wear black pants and I was desperately needing some) and other I only wear with boots which block the as I call it "skinny jean boat feet syndrome". Everyday I look forward for the calendar to change and the weather to warm up so I can turn those sons of bitches into cut-offs or carpi pants. Ole!
My tastes have changed over the years when it comes to clothes. I used to be more into bold patterns and honestly just tacky stuff. Now as I approach what I call "being a real grown-up" I tend to learn towards basic, solid colors and bold accessories.
On any given day you will find me wearing any of the following items of clothing:
- Something leopard print (it's classic yet funky don't judge!)
- Fake pearl earrings (the Spanish know me as La Cheapa)
- A University of Kentucky t-shirt or hoodie (it's the easiest thing to find for me and I look good in the color and I can wear them to work)
- Something that vintage or something that looks vintage
- Anything shiny (I excel at attracting gays and plan to do it until I am wearing bedazzled track suits which might be any day now!)
But the real issue here is why don't people look like this anymore......